Why Does Coffee Make You Poop?
As someone who has taken a very unwanted trip to the emergency room because of constipation I take my pooping very seriously. The Doctors thought it was a burst appendix so they took an ultrasound and went so far to prep me for surgery before they found out it was just a giant turd baby.
One of the things that my local doctor told me after my highly embarrassing hospital trip was to start drinking one cup and one cup only of coffee daily to help keep me regular and my out of the ER. He told me many things about the dangers of excessive caffeine consumption, but he assured me that one cup of coffee a day would do wonders for my health. Six months on and I have never been healthier or more regular since I was a wee little boy who was entirely unconcerned about the dangers of not pooping.
But what does coffee actually do when it relaxes the old poop shoot and enables that wonderful feeling deep inside your belly that lets you know there is a brown missile ready for launch. It is actually quite common for mainstream and modern medicine to dismiss any link between coffee and the need to evacuate ones bowels, but something definitely goes on down there. So why does coffee make you poop?
One theory is that coffee and its main active ingredients including caffeine relax and can actually stimulate the colon, leading to bowel movements. This effect is found in both caffeinated and decaffeinated coffees. The effect that this is known as is Peristalsis.
Caffeine is also a diuretic, which at the same time dehydrates you and releases a small amount of adrenaline into your system. We know Adrenaline is part of your bodies “fight or flight” mechanism which prepares your body for dangerous situations. It’s pretty damn hard to run or fight with a belly full of big brown snakes, so your body orders Mr Colon to prepare for evacuation.
One important thing to note though is that coffee is not much of a diuretic. You need to be consuming more than 500 milligrams of caffeine daily for it to act as a diuretic, which is more than 5 cups of coffee. Though, if you are drinking this much coffee daily you probably have a few more problems to worry about, such as not exploding your heart and dying a horrible horrible death.
Another theory is that most people that drink coffee have one first thing in the morning. This sends a signal to your body to let it know that it is time to get ready for another day and offload your excess baggage from yesterday. This effect is also found in cigarette smokers who can’t unload their brown luggage without a smoke in the morning, and could be why so many smokers experience constipation when they quit smoking.
But be warned, if you go to someone who suggests a coffee enema to help clean you out, turn around and walk, nay, RUN out of there. They are a freaking terrible idea, and could actually kill you.
As anyone who has had constipation problems can attest to, not being able to take a daily doo-doo is an incredibly painful experience, but one that is entirely avoidable. Eat right and live healthy they all say. Well, whoever they are, they are right. Why does coffee make you poop? I’m not so sure as to why, all I know is that it does and a coffee and a deuce is my favourite way to start a day, and I sure as hell won’t be going back to the hospital with a food baby all up inside me.