Browsing the web for interesting articles about coffee has led me to a horribly disturbing discovery.
Coffee Enema’s are actually a thing.
Seriously, the person who first conceived the idea of pouring delicious and BOILING HOT coffee up their ass needs to have a hard long look at themselves and what they are doing with their life.
For those of you who don’t know, an enema is a procedure where liquids are introduced into your colon and rectum via the anus. In other words, they use a turkey baster to squirt stuff up your ass.
While this might just sound like a fun Friday night for some of you, other, more normal people like me are quite rightly disturbed at the mere thought. But there are legitimate medical reasons for people to be given an enema, for example to relieve your constipation or “Faecal Impaction” which sounds to me like an awesome name for my next Death Metal band.
Coffee enemas first appeared in Germany in the 1920’s, where I assume the entire countries post-traumatic stress from the war contributed to this “innovation in anus caffeination”.
Fans and proponents of the coffee bum flush say that it stimulates the liver and helps remove toxins from the body. Some very special nut-jobs say that it can legitimately cure cancer.
This is considered to be absolute and utter crap by most medical authorities. Not surprisingly, the procedure of pouring hot coffee into ones anus can have many side effects, such as internal burning and rectal perforation.
Coffee enemas have been linked directly to at least 3 deaths in the United States alone, and a $1.4 million five years study done by an arm of the National Institute of health came to the conclusion that it has absolutely no link to lower cancer rates.
So make sure you remember tomorrow morning, when making your coffee, add milk or sugar and drink it, don’t shove it up your ass, it may just kill you.
Some other fun facts about enema’s to help you sleep tonight
- During the 18th century a tobacco smoke enema was the main method of resuscitating people who had drowned. Naturally.
- It is considered to be the oldest medical procedure that is still largely in use around the world.
- The oldest existing medical papyrus from ancient Egypt existence mentions it.
- In pre-revolutionary France, after dinner enemas were the norm and considered to do wonders for your complexion.
- There was an American criminal known as the “Enema Bandit”. He earned his nickname by, you guessed it, giving enema’s to his female victims.
- People that have regular enemas often lose the ability to crap on their own, becoming entirely dependent on bum flushing to rid their body of their faeces.
- There is little to no evidence that enema’s can have any positive effect on the body other than ridding it of excess faeces. So if someone tells you that it will help you lose weight or improve your complexion, they are most likely just blowing smoke up your ass.